Sheer Sparkling Dresses

I’ve noticed a new trend in the magazines lately and it’s one that I really hope won’t catch on. I’m aware that my description of “sparkling sheer dresses” sounds quite nice, but it’s difficult to put into words quite what I’m seeing. I don’t mean delicate lace sections and pretty little Swarkovski motifs.

The dresses I mean have a corseted bodice made of mesh with a lot of strategically placed crystals. The mesh shows not just the structure of your bodice, but also everything underneath. Imagine all the guests have x-ray vision and can see right through to your stomach, and you have an idea of how exposed these dresses are. The only thing in the way of them seeing your nipples is the cluster of sparkling stones over your breasts. Not just a few either- a lot. Then a bit more. Apparently these designers have never heard the phrase “less is more”. Or perhaps they have and apply it to how much of your body is covered.

These almost-illegal bodices are often completed with a huge bubbling net skirt. Not so much a meringue style as a pavlova style. Actually, make that ten pavlovas stuck together. They really are a spectacle but not in an entirely complimentary way. Unless you really like pavlovas. I’m amazed brides can actually sit down in these monstrosities.

I’m not entirely sure what underwear would be worn with a dress like this, but I’m sure your Grandma doesn’t want to see it. She can see enough as it is. Just put it away.

The overall look is something of a stripper attempting to scrub up for her wedding day. Then having a crystal chandelier falling on her head. In fact, these dresses remind me of Jordan wedding chic- except even she managed to cover up. Just keep your body covered up until the wedding night and save it for your husband. We don’t want to see it.